


Don't Ask, Just Do

by And_Penny



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gay, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John has a southern accent for the first few chapters and it comes back when he gets too emotional, My First Fanfic, Suicide Attempt, conversion therapy, inspired by a true story, sorry this is so dark, the first one I've published anyway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:30:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10203311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/And_Penny/pseuds/And_Penny
Summary: John Laurens stood at the top of his three-story home, waiting.He had already said goodbye to his sister, and there was nothing else to do.The wind whipped at his face, his dark brown hair blowing around him. The cold air nipped at his nose, making him scrunch it up and squeeze his eyes tight.That was a mistake.As soon as his eyes were shut, everything came back to him in a flash of clarity.(Title subject to change)





	1. Go.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god I finally did it! I've been waiting forever, but I finally published my first fic for you guys! I hope you all enjoy :)

John Laurens stood at the top of his three-story home, waiting.

He had already said goodbye to his sister, and there was nothing else to do.

The wind whipped at his face, his dark brown hair blowing around him. The cold air nipped at his nose, making him scrunch it up and squeeze his eyes tight.

That was a mistake.

As soon as his eyes were shut, everything came back to him in a flash of clarity.

9 year old John, standing before his father with the widest smile possible as he proudly exclaimed that he wasn’t affected by the promiscuous women in the Playboy magazine one of his friends had found.

Him again, admitting to his father his feelings for his best friend Frank.

The bruise that left his left eye swollen shut as he woke up in the E.R. 

His next seven trips to the E.R. over the span of three months, each time brandishing a new injury with a new somewhat believable explanation that wasn’t “My daddy hit me.”

The relief of being told he was going to see a therapist instead of his father’s fists.

The lies told to him.

Claims of, “All gay people have AIDS,” and, “the government will kill you if they find out.”

The lies told to his sister, the ones that were thought to be better than him liking men.

“Your older brother killed someone and we lock him in his room to hide him from the police.”

The “First Step” as they called it.

The burning cold of ice as it lay clenched in his fists, arms restrained, eyes on images of men holding hands.

The Second Step.

The copper coils heating up in his once-again restrained hands, burning through flesh as his eyes fixed on an image of a gay couple, the smell permeating through the air.

The relief that came when he was shown a man and a woman and the coils were allowed to cool, the scent of burning flesh still lingering.

The Third Step.

The needles that pricked his fingers, drawing spots of blood as he awaited what was to come.

The electrodes that he could see were attached to those needles, whispering his fate.

His first time watching porn being tarnished with literal shock.

That same feeling of shock every time a man touched him after.

Videos of men having sex while his body was taken over by the wrongness of electricity.

Men having sex, the wrongness of electricity.

Men, sex, wrong, electricity.

Men, sex, wrong.

Men, wrong.

Men.

Wrong.

Men are wrong.

No.

Men are _not_ wrong.

The realization that he could not change, that nobody would recognize that.

The first time he tried to kill himself.

Waking up in the E.R. again, the pills already pumped out of his body.

The second time he tried to kill himself.

The multitude of Youtube videos on how to tie a noose.

The rope too weak, breaking when he stepped off the chair.

The third, fourth, and fifth times he had tried to kill himself.

Slit wrists, a gun he thought was loaded, pills again.

Failed, failed, and failed.

  
John opened his eyes again, and all the memories faded away.

“If I don’t change, they’re going to kill me.” The words uttered to himself comforted him as he stared at the ground below, ready to face death with eyes wide open.

 

Deep breath.

 

Go.


	2. Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mama to the rescue :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, like, 2 people said that they wanted to read more so I decided to post the next chapter. Sorry it's so short, but I felt like this was a good place to stop. Also the title for this chapter is from the song Nobody Knows, which is super old and I don't even know most of the words.

_“If I don’t change, they’re going to kill me.” The words uttered to himself comforted him as he stared at the ground below, ready to face death with eyes wide open._

  


_Deep breath._

  


_Go._

 

“JOHN!”

John stopped and turned to face his mother.

“Jack please don’t do this. I’m begging you, please stop.”

Not stepping down from the ledge, he spoke.

“How’d you find out?”

“Your sister. She told me that you said goodbye and then you went upstairs. Jack _please_ come here.”

“Why? So you can keep trying to shock the gay out of me?” his mother looks horrified, but John keeps going. “It’s not going to happen, mom. It’s _never_ going to happen. Why can’t you just love me the way I am? Like how you used to before all of this?”

Eleanor took a moment to compose herself, drawing a shaky breath before starting.

“I already love you, Jack. I love you more than you could possibly imagine.”

“Then why do you let him do it?”

She took a step forward.

“Jesus, does he really do that? Does he really... shock you?”

“Shock, electrocute, fry, they’re all the same thing.” He chuckles.

“John please don’t joke about this. Did-” she swallowed, “did he really do that to you?”

He ran a hand through his hair and spoke with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, mom. He did.”

“Oh my god.” She took another step forward. “Oh my god Jack baby.” And then she was running. She was running and John was stepping down from the ledge, and they were hugging for what seemed like eternity. They broke apart just enough to look at each other, tears streaming from their eyes. John spoke first.

“He really never told you?”

“Never.”

“I can’t go back there, mom, I can’t take it anymore. I’ll kill myself if they don’t first.”

“We have to, Jackie. You know that.” Eleanor brushed a lock of John’s hair behind his ear with a shaky hand before continuing. “But it doesn’t have to be like that anymore. I promise.” And with that, she whispered her plan as the sun began to set.

After a little bit of practice, and a lot of backup planning, they were finally ready.

“Alright,” She said with a devious smile on her face. “Convince me.”

John drew himself up to his full height, stared into his mother’s deep, brown eyes, and said with as much sincerity as he could manage. “I think it’s done.”

And so his acting career began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this and sticking around until the end! For the most part, this story is no longer modeled after the life of Samuel Brinton (except for the end a little bit), because his mom knew what was happening and supported it 100%. I'm also not really sure where I'm going to go with this story anymore if I continue it, so feel free to tell me what you'd like to see and I can definitely put it in here!
> 
> You can see my memes [here,](http://harold-the-pansexual-llama.tumblr.com/) and come talk to me about fics (mine or otherwise) right [here](http://overfour-sets-of-corsets.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so a few things:
> 
> 1) Please be kind in the comments! I know this fic was kind of crappy, but constructive criticism would be much more appreciated than bashing  
> 2) I DO have more to this fic, but I wanted to just put out this to see how people reacted. If you want to read the rest of it, let me know and I'll make another chapter!  
> 3) This part of the fic is actually based somewhat loosely on the life of conversion therapy survivor, Samuel Brinton. If you don't know his story, go look him up! He's so inspirational and kind (my friend got to meet and interview him)!  
> 4) Holy jeez you're still here! Thank you so much for sticking around 'till the end and being so wonderful! I couldn't ask for a better audience :)
> 
> My main blog on tumblr is [here,](http://harold-the-pansexual-llama.tumblr.com/) and my Hamilton fan blog is right over [here](http://overfour-sets-of-corsets.tumblr.com/)


End file.
